the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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