I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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