Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
