Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
