Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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