i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
