my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
