my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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