It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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