I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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