ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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