There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
