Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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