On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
