I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
