You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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