You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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