On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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