Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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