Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
