i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize