Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
In America we eat man semen.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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