Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
