I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
