I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
