Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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