Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
