2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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