I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
