alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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