Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
