You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
