Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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