Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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