the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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