I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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