Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
