he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
