i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
