My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
