My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
