maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
