you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
