We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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