The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
