mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
