It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
