no, he came in my armpit
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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