i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
