my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
