Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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