If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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