I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
