This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
