hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
