She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I miss vodka workout Fridays
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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