Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They have beer where we have blood.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
