apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
