moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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