I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
