very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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