I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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