my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
