Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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