I'm jealous of your bromance
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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